Marriages & Mortgages

There’s no doubt about it, many couples, especially young couples, stress about finances. Disagreements over money are the No. 1 cause for separations!

I bring this up because buying a house means sharing lots of financial information for mortgage approvals. And that can sometimes dredge up long-simmering feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and anger about how your partner handles money.

“Anger?!?” I thought buying a house was supposed to be fun!

It is. It can be. But some couples can really be thrown by the "prove your innocence" approach of some mortgage lenders.

I spent 20 years as a family and marriage counselor, and sometimes, unofficially, I still fill that role. Here are a few sure-fire coping and communications strategies:

  1. Never go to bed mad. I mention this one first in case you’re looking at this late at night online, unable to sleep because of something your spouse said or did. Go wake them up. It’s time to at least reach some sort of understanding.
  2. Ask yourself "What are we actually arguing about?" Sometimes a small issue is just the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. If you’re feeling overburdened, jealous, or just anxious, SAY SOMETHING!
  3. Calm down. You love your spouse, and your spouse loves you right back. Instead of trying to work your way from the problem to the solution, start at the solution and work toward the problem. Chances are that one or both of you may be trying to over-compensate because you love your family so much.
  4. Address your assumptions. What feelings and information are you assuming? Do you have all the facts correct? Do they?
  5. Don’t be embarrassed about money. Your salary at work doesn’t reflect on your character, doesn’t make your spouse or kids love you more or less. It’s just a number. We all wish we earned more, and you can take comfort knowing that buying a house often creates some new motivation to work a little harder and focus on the "important things" in life.